Lost

I’m lost.

I am going to gather what severed pieces of myself I can find in a vision of you.

I cannot make out the images in the fire before it burns me blind;

I challenge you to see the picture on the blank page of disgust as it writes you inside of me

How dare you contemplate my rage; Our relationship fell apart at the vein…

I wonder if God could watch us on TV, would He bid us farewell as he turned us off & would we stay apart from the Devil’s flesh?

Or would He give us stitches or would we have all our wounds still come apart?

Should we try to glue us back together?

Let Him return us to where we’ve already been?

I don’t know, our reason for living is burred & dull

& I’m all out of the will to try.

Can’t we call the architects and have them build us a bungalow that stands semi-detached from society (just like our lives?)

Then, could the sea captain not take a simple hold of our dreams; draw us a maritime chart so we become seafaring lovers seeking lost pirate ships filled with gold & silver treasures.

It’s out there, I’m certain it is just buried deep under the sea… I overheard the legend as it was told by the buccaneer to the bandit.

Bon voyage; let’s sail away.

So, why would we want to go back to where we’ve been?

Write us a book dear author and tell me tales of my very own diary; it’s the only way I can sneak a look inside myself too.

I want to be made into that person in your eyes; I want to choose to go back & try but not unless I went there with another you – less furious.

I’m lost.

Fear itself invaded us, get your skates on my beautiful man & carry that boy inside of you, if you must; I’m sorry but you won’t get your simple surprise at the bottom of the box if the cracker jacks are stolen.

Buck up, soldier, pay attention.

You must depend on what you do not see; trust in that & only that before our friendship can be rebuilt from (now) ground zero.

Sing to me a verse with lyrics that makes sense; the music you must carry is me in God’s pale wisdom, my friend; this wisdom you must gather for me, if I am ever to find you again.

I’m sad that you were so blind to how I cherished you & your devotion; why had you been so afraid of losing me that you lost me.

How quickly it can all disappear in my fear; I do love you; as much as I *can* love you, you see…

My cold-hearted misgivings were born through my cynicism & its resident reality in my imagination…

My fear is my throbbing anguish of experiences that left me here …I cannot understand why you choose to feed it, not calm it… I needed you to calm it in order that I separated from the anger I could become.

I seek to pleasure the sting of my past with submissive temptations but I’m bound by my lack of control.

You stole my ability to cope & so my rampage begins…

I am exhausted in your fear of my intentions…Jealousy simmers inside your mind and sadness ignites my blood…

It must be that desire that makes me afraid because I know I become your beautiful suicide as you undress me.

What follows our cravings is tethered ropes that make my desires drip like watercolors on a torn canvas and we dance in our ritualistic injections of long nights and love’s clone in a mutual self touch that delivers memories contorted and painful departures.

i understand what you symbolize but I do not understand the lack of belief and knowledge that led me to you –

So here i go – quickly finding my way to no where. My only hope was to find an answer but without knowing the question its impossible -

if I knew the answer, I wouldn’t be here –

Lets dance.

Lucks Lock

lucks lock

Lucks Lock

Freedom… is…

Freedom is the courage to push your intentions beyond the constraints of traditional rule…

needing a way

I am divided into pieces of my history

behind the corners of lost memories

Where i roam is without a home

Where I’ll end up is a mystery

So don’t speak my name, i won’t respond

Play the game until I’m gone

Life and death lies in the power of the tongue

Words can touch things that are unseen

Is what a powerful deity tells us

and God is never wrong.

Carelessness can move a person in ways they’re not meant to go

I’m sorry you said some things that meant more

I’m sorry you hurt me and don’t know

Now I’m running from you as fast as I can

Now I’m fumbling through life and I’m tired again

I don’t know where I will go

I don’t know why I love you so.

Mirror Mirror On The Floor…

Its the invisible wounds that take longest to heal.

Not because you can’t see them; but because you never looked.

The mirror’s reflection shows my shattered self in the eyes that stare back that used to belong to me;

now i hardly recognize who i am.

The glass you left on the floor doesn’t matter as much as what it represents

What’s left of me

after I look into your mirrored eyes

to see me,

broken

Chasin’ Jason

Did you hear me scream?

Jaded Memories & Paper Hearts

sometimes

even cartoon people have addictions

the diary

just a little bit crazy

| View Show | Create Your Own

lying to myself – stockholm syndrome? or stupidity?

Its your fault for not  listening when I said

  “No!” & cried “I want to go home! ” & 

It’s your fault I have nightmares & don’t trust men

 & that I’m scared. 

All the time… 

     I push away all my friends who  do care & I treat ‘em like I don’t need ‘em there. But they don’t believe me when they see me cry a thousand times

because you took the trust out of my eye.

  I am blinded by defeat for fucking when I didn’t want to,

 biting my lips to keep my pain inside; when the doorbell rings I find a closet & hide.

 Now I sit indian style & rock my body slightly back & forth

& hum a new song to myself.

   “I am not afraid of the boogeyman anymore”

 “I fall in love with the boogeyman”

 

touch me where my soul resides

So I sleep in the top bunk where they can’t reach me if I can. 

 Its safer there & its a place where I think upon it all.

Granted it makes me worry too much so I don’t sleep enough. 

So if they opened a factory & gave me a job, I’d be late if I had to work the first shift. If you looked for me you wouldn’t find me on my way there, but on another lil’ trip.  You would find me lost in a world of make believe fairies & pretend dragons I slay.  That’s where you’ll find me cuz that’s where I stay.

There’s a fire on my tongue when I speak of my mom

& my ego took a beating when my lips came loose through my fingertips & said “I love you”

to him & waited…. for a response…

….I should’ve sat still with my thoughts hemmed to the bottom underneath the layer of my skirt where my soul resides, but I never listen. Its not like I asked for very much, I only wanted him to touch me where my soul resides.