Where are his embracing limbs of strength that comfort my need to feel someone wrapped around my shaking body?
Like a blanket I lay in wait covering yesterday so it does not seem so real.
I quiet my world by making pretend I live in a land of fairies where tomorrow is a place that won’t reveal that this life is a masquerade.
All those whom I believed in today won’t be players who reveal the trust I had for them really concealed the truth.
Then the sounds of torn lace won’t come loose like the velcro on the layers of my pieced together existence did when it all fell apart. Loops & loops don’t catch.
Instead I’m sewn into the lies he told, waiting in tearful remembrance hoping for him to come home & he never does, only blank stares at the secret affairs in my eyes exist of him & our lies.
I have no home, I lost his lair so now where is he?
Where is he now that I need to feel him coddling my misbeliefs in him?
Is he floating in the passion of song he sang, dressed as an angel?
He has been uncloaked as the jester & there I am, a weeping child he made of me.
His broken toy.
Sometimes I can’t remember his smile, but I remember the way he felt when I saw him there across the room.
Inside that perfect way I looked at his shadowed smile & felt his laughter which became the tears I’d hide, the ache deep inside that lived among my secrets.
Jealousy took hold of remembering him & how he came inside of me & how he left scars in my mind opening the wounds wide.
I bleed.
I cried.
I asked why?
Once, in an exhausted post-sex state of breathless relaxation with his energy running over my yesterdays he stained my mind in thought circles of too many what if’s
& who was he’s…
& what it really meant’s….
& Fuck you’s….
Fuck it!
My mind is tired
my blood is thin
my lips are swollen
my hands & toes are cold
& tomorrow is not my birthday but if it was & you asked me
