lying to myself – stockholm syndrome? or stupidity?

Its your fault for not  listening when I said

  “No!” & cried “I want to go home! ” & 

It’s your fault I have nightmares & don’t trust men

 & that I’m scared. 

All the time… 

     I push away all my friends who  do care & I treat ‘em like I don’t need ‘em there. But they don’t believe me when they see me cry a thousand times

because you took the trust out of my eye.

  I am blinded by defeat for fucking when I didn’t want to,

 biting my lips to keep my pain inside; when the doorbell rings I find a closet & hide.

 Now I sit indian style & rock my body slightly back & forth

& hum a new song to myself.

   “I am not afraid of the boogeyman anymore”

 “I fall in love with the boogeyman”

 

touch me where my soul resides

So I sleep in the top bunk where they can’t reach me if I can. 

 Its safer there & its a place where I think upon it all.

Granted it makes me worry too much so I don’t sleep enough. 

So if they opened a factory & gave me a job, I’d be late if I had to work the first shift. If you looked for me you wouldn’t find me on my way there, but on another lil’ trip.  You would find me lost in a world of make believe fairies & pretend dragons I slay.  That’s where you’ll find me cuz that’s where I stay.

There’s a fire on my tongue when I speak of my mom

& my ego took a beating when my lips came loose through my fingertips & said “I love you”

to him & waited…. for a response…

….I should’ve sat still with my thoughts hemmed to the bottom underneath the layer of my skirt where my soul resides, but I never listen. Its not like I asked for very much, I only wanted him to touch me where my soul resides.

melted ice cream

Touch me … any way you want to.

(just leave me the change in the ashtray so I can buy some ice cream on the way home.)

I’ll take my cleansing bath & sip on my slightly melted bowl of ice cream with chips of chocolate that swirl as I stir….

slowly…

& think about how you feel inside of me.

Hours later, I’ll be startled out of my trance by the sound of gurgling when the last of the water empties down the drain.

My naked goosebumped skin is wrinkled & so pale its nearly blue.

I’m cold but I don’t move for a while.

(I still feel dirty)

I think to myself

“I’ve gone through this before, its no big thing, it didn’t happen…”

Then i wonder

“Did it?”

It takes a little it time, but eventually it all disappears & I forget for a while.

It rests. So will I.

Staring at the water i don’t wonder where the water goes just so long as it goes down the pipes & to some place out of my sight…to any place that makes it it not exist in my world anymore.

The more I watch – in thought – the more the water becomes.

It becomes the screams that I swallowed & the ache in my upper arms from when I pushed against your hold.

The exhaustion from my efforts to resist you.

This water that I watch wash away becomes everything you said to me when you pushed your body into mine.

I WILL YOU to go to that place where you no longer exist in my world anymore.

When I moaned in your ear, did you really think that meant I wanted you to do this to me?

that I wanted it…. ?

Just because it still felt good…

is it still….sin?

You’re a stranger –

I don’t want to know you but now you have instantly made yourself become a part of me forever.

So I’ll try like hell to wash you away in a stare but i’ll learn one day when you come back that it didn’t work.

I’ll remember the moment I first felt you & my soul will cry out to the person I’m with when it happens…whether it is the grocery store bagger or my best friend.

It could be tomorrow or in two months or a year…I won’t see it coming & by the time it happens it’ll be too late to stop it because you’ll be back to repeat your sin.

That’s when I’ll tell them…

& then I’ll get the questions,

“Why didn’t you tell us when it happened?

Why didn’t you call the police?”

& I’ll stare at them as they look like you, before I answer them with a silent shrug.

Inside, I’ll want to scream

“BUT WHY DID IT FEEL GOOD?!!!”

& then I’ll want to get away as fast as I can – away from my shame & pain – to some place else that makes ME not exist in my world anymore! But i am too big for the drain.

Then I’ll relapse & get high to forget & then I’ll hate myself more & then I’ll hate you more for hating myself, which makes me remember you more, which makes me do more bad things to myself because of the bad thing you did to me….

So when you tell me you love me, I won’t ask

“why do you think love me?

I won’t say

If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done this to me”

or

If you loved me you wouldn’t have given me this painful fate i will live with each day!

but instead my question in my mind is

“Do you really think i wanted to hear you say that?”

Don’t you know that your words don’t mean you love me at all!

What they really mean is that now, my partner’s voice will change into yours when he says he loves me!

What it means is that now your face is the monster that anyone who loves me becomes.

It means that I’ll have to fuck you again & again – each time someone cares.

It means I won’t be able to love anyone back the same way as i did before you told me those three words.

Oh, and one last thing – can you please tell me your name?

I didn’t really want to know it, but now that you’ve become a part of me forever, I don’t think I want to always wonder.

Though I do hope its something different, like Ezekial or Zachieus, so I don’t have to be reminded very often.

Oh, Mike?

That’s an easy name I’ll always remember Mike…

Now…

I’m sorry I was asleep

& had my period

when you decided to invade me with your desires

but did you really have to beat me afterwards?

Wasn’t thanking me enough to rip me of my dignity?

Wasn’t it enough that you took my safety, security, sexuality,

& sleep, Mike?

Well… Mikey…? Did you like it?

I hope you left me enough change in the ashtray because i need a lot of ice cream to stir you away…Mike…

bathroom lights

Its a different story when its heard by no one, in a time alone where there is no sun.

In the middle of a dream he looked at her with mirrors in his eyes. 

She hung up the phone.

 She cries.

This tale that happened late that year began when the boogeyman reappeared and turned out the bathroom light hiding behind the door.

He laughed at her fears.

“No more” 

She was in tears.

Mission bells rang before her angels sang and missing children never reappeared, now memories of that stranger feeds her fears

(feeling his tongue in her ear)

WIshing she had yelled and made him disappear, his face became symbiotic in her nightmare – in hell.  She was given this story she’d never tell.

Now anytime she turns out a light, she remembers the bathroom and what happened that night.

friendships do not stick without glue

fuck you for saying i do

for ten minutes you were mine

filling up on ocean

yesterday

Yesterday was another day

a time of faith that went away

But just before I let it go

Remember the gem I was before you turned me to stone

When all my smiles were real & hope was strong

Before the days lasted so long

Before the nights were filled with screams

Yesterday I was a girl with dreams

4 Galloping Horsemen

 

my feelings on love

 

 

i remember when we met

 

 

looking back hurts so fuck me in my imagination NOW

diary

 

 

 

watching