(just leave me the change in the ashtray so I can buy some ice cream on the way home.)
I’ll take my cleansing bath & sip on my slightly melted bowl of ice cream with chips of chocolate that swirl as I stir….
slowly…
& think about how you feel inside of me.
Hours later, I’ll be startled out of my trance by the sound of gurgling when the last of the water empties down the drain.
My naked goosebumped skin is wrinkled & so pale its nearly blue.
I’m cold but I don’t move for a while.
(I still feel dirty)
I think to myself
“I’ve gone through this before, its no big thing, it didn’t happen…”
Then i wonder
“Did it?”
It takes a little it time, but eventually it all disappears & I forget for a while.
It rests. So will I.
Staring at the water i don’t wonder where the water goes just so long as it goes down the pipes & to some place out of my sight…to any place that makes it it not exist in my world anymore.
The more I watch – in thought – the more the water becomes.
It becomes the screams that I swallowed & the ache in my upper arms from when I pushed against your hold.
The exhaustion from my efforts to resist you.
This water that I watch wash away becomes everything you said to me when you pushed your body into mine.
I WILL YOU to go to that place where you no longer exist in my world anymore.
When I moaned in your ear, did you really think that meant I wanted you to do this to me?
that I wanted it…. ?
Just because it still felt good…
is it still….sin?
You’re a stranger –
I don’t want to know you but now you have instantly made yourself become a part of me forever.
So I’ll try like hell to wash you away in a stare but i’ll learn one day when you come back that it didn’t work.
I’ll remember the moment I first felt you & my soul will cry out to the person I’m with when it happens…whether it is the grocery store bagger or my best friend.
It could be tomorrow or in two months or a year…I won’t see it coming & by the time it happens it’ll be too late to stop it because you’ll be back to repeat your sin.
That’s when I’ll tell them…
& then I’ll get the questions,
“Why didn’t you tell us when it happened?
Why didn’t you call the police?”
& I’ll stare at them as they look like you, before I answer them with a silent shrug.
Inside, I’ll want to scream
“BUT WHY DID IT FEEL GOOD?!!!”
& then I’ll want to get away as fast as I can – away from my shame & pain – to some place else that makes ME not exist in my world anymore! But i am too big for the drain.
Then I’ll relapse & get high to forget & then I’ll hate myself more & then I’ll hate you more for hating myself, which makes me remember you more, which makes me do more bad things to myself because of the bad thing you did to me….
So when you tell me you love me, I won’t ask
“why do you think love me?
I won’t say
If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done this to me”
or
If you loved me you wouldn’t have given me this painful fate i will live with each day!
but instead my question in my mind is
“Do you really think i wanted to hear you say that?”
Don’t you know that your words don’t mean you love me at all!
What they really mean is that now, my partner’s voice will change into yours when he says he loves me!
What it means is that now your face is the monster that anyone who loves me becomes.
It means that I’ll have to fuck you again & again – each time someone cares.
It means I won’t be able to love anyone back the same way as i did before you told me those three words.
Oh, and one last thing – can you please tell me your name?
I didn’t really want to know it, but now that you’ve become a part of me forever, I don’t think I want to always wonder.
Though I do hope its something different, like Ezekial or Zachieus, so I don’t have to be reminded very often.
Oh, Mike?
That’s an easy name I’ll always remember Mike…
Now…
I’m sorry I was asleep
& had my period
when you decided to invade me with your desires
but did you really have to beat me afterwards?
Wasn’t thanking me enough to rip me of my dignity?
Wasn’t it enough that you took my safety, security, sexuality,
& sleep, Mike?
Well… Mikey…? Did you like it?
I hope you left me enough change in the ashtray because i need a lot of ice cream to stir you away…Mike…
